Self-Awareness & the Exhaustion of Performing Healing
- May 11, 2023
- 2 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
For a long time, healing looked like trying to become lighter.
Lighter emotionally.
Lighter spiritually.
Lighter mentally. Less angry. Less reactive. Less complicated.
Less affected by things that clearly affected me.
Somewhere along the way, self-awareness quietly became less about growth and more about noticing just how exhausting performance had become. 🌿☕
Be calm.
Be evolved.
Be positive.
Be spiritually aligned.
Drink water.
Journal.
Forgive immediately.
Transcend suffering before breakfast.
Meanwhile, some mornings felt emotionally held together with coffee, denial, and one brave little nerve. The older I get, the more exhausting performance feels.
Especially spiritual performance.
The Tao Te Ching says:
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.”
That one lingers.
Because self-awareness is not always peaceful. Sometimes it is painfully honest. Sometimes it means realizing exhaustion was being called “strength.” Sometimes it means recognizing how much energy went into appearing okay instead of actually being okay.
For a while, darkness felt like something to conquer. Something shameful. Something to outgrow quickly and quietly so nobody became uncomfortable.
But ignored pain does not disappear. It simply changes outfits and starts showing up sideways:
burnout
numbness
irritability
emotional exhaustion
overthinking at 2:17 a.m.
staring into the refrigerator like it personally betrayed me
Real life has texture.
Joy and grief.
Faith and doubt.
Tenderness and anger.
Hope and exhaustion.
Healing and relapse into old thought patterns while standing in line at Walmart wondering if everyone else also feels emotionally microwaved.
Ecclesiastes says:
“To every thing there is a season…”
And honestly? Some seasons humble a person.
Some seasons strip away illusions.
Some seasons expose survival patterns dressed up as personality traits.
Some seasons force stillness after years of performing productivity like identity depended on it.
The strange thing is, healing started feeling more real the moment perfection stopped being the goal.
Not becoming endlessly “light.”
Not pretending darkness no longer exists.
Not floating six inches above reality speaking exclusively in inspirational quotes over acoustic guitar music.
Just honesty.
Honesty about grief.
Honesty about fatigue.
Honesty about fear.
Honesty about longing for peace while still carrying old storms internally.
There is freedom in no longer needing to appear endlessly healed.
The Bible says:
“The truth shall make you free.”
Not polished appearances.
Not pretending.
Not spiritual theater.
Truth.
And truth is rarely glamorous.
Sometimes truth looks like sitting outside at sunset trying to reconnect with silence after spending too long drowning in noise.
Sometimes truth looks like admitting burnout changed something internally.
Sometimes truth looks like realizing survival mode became so familiar it started masquerading as personality.
But maybe growth is not becoming someone entirely new.
Maybe growth is simply returning to what was always there beneath the noise, fear, performance, expectations, and exhaustion.
A little softer.
A little wiser.
A little less interested in pretending.
The Tao also says:
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”
That feels important lately.
Because healing is not a race.
Peace is not a performance.
And becoming whole takes longer than the internet likes to admit.
These days, the goal is not perfection.
Just honesty.
A quieter nervous system.
A grounded spirit.
And enough self-awareness to recognize when life starts pulling me away from myself again.
Stay grounded, stay growing, and keep a little side-eye for the nonsense...
— Cat V
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